ERMs Anonymous

My brother, Tyler, came home from his mission on Wednesday, along with about a billion other missionaries serving all over the world. Because Corona. Please use this time to shout inside your head (or out loud) a string of profanities and mean words for all the crap Covid-19 has put you through the last few weeks.

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You may now proceed reading.

All the ish happening can be really hard to process. Personally, I would be jumping for joy. An excuse to go home that doesn't hurt my pride? Heck yeah. But I know that isn't the only thing I'd be feeling. All you ERMs (early return missionaries) are probably experiencing joy, annoyance, anger, confusion, wistfulness, restlessness, frustration, elation, relief, longing, sadness, and the glorious, glorious feeling of finally getting enough sleep. That's a lot to deal with. So I welcome you to ERMs anonymous.

"Hi. My name is Tyler, and I'm an ERM."

"Hi Tyler."

Tyler served about eighteen months in Brazil before getting shipped home due to Covid-19. He was informed Sunday night that he would be going home and arrived in California on Thursday. Many of you can relate to this whiplash return. Some of you may have only been in your mission long enough to unpack your suitcase before you had to pack up again and come home. Dude. That's hard.

There's a few things I want you to take away from this.

1. This is hard, and that's okay.

2. You might not know how to feel about this, and that's okay.

3. Your mission may not have looked the way you expected, and that's okay.

This is Hard, and That's Okay.

YOU DO NOT, I repeat, YOU DO NOT have to make the most of this situation. You do not have to look for the silver lining, you don't have to make lemonade out of your lemons, or whatever other cross stitch crap is playing on repeat in the back of your mind right now.

I have an ERM friend and when I ask her how she's doing, she tells me "I'm sad, but it's fine." "I feel awkward, but it'll work out." Do you see what she's doing here? She is negating her emotions. She is trying to make the people around her feel better, like if she told them she wasn't doing well and then left it at that, they would feel uneasy, worried, or upset. Because she is a lovely person, she doesn't want them to feel this way, so she states her woes and then immediately patches them up to save others from the exact pain she is experiencing.

You don't have to put a band-aid over your hurt to make other people feel more comfortable. You can go right on and feel it.

"Take a trip to your dark side, go on and have a good cry" Birdtalker

Take a trip to your dark side. Go ahead.

You Might Not Know How to Feel about This,

and That's Okay.

Listen up. You gotta feel your feelings. You can't push them down deep inside and go on your merry way. Sometimes my husband tries this. When I'm upset I say, "Hey. I wanted you to come and help me make dinner and you didn't." or "Hey. I wore my new jeans and you didn't even compliment me." or "Hey. I don't like being the big spoon." and we resolve things right then and there. He's not like that. He likes to keep the peace. He lets it all build up inside for days, weeks, sometimes months until we are in the middle of a Grey's Anatomy episode and it all comes out. Inadequacies, frustrations, anger, sadness, fears, worries, they all come spilling out and we have to sort through weeks of problems in one sitting. Y'all, that is exhausting. Volcanic eruptions can be devastating. Luckily, his usually happen in a safe environment, but that isn't always so. You don't want to lose it at work and scream at your boss, or burst out in tears during a school presentation. Deal with your ish before you let it explode. Feel the feelings.

Researcher and story teller (aka my idol) Brené Brown explains how she writes herself permission slips and then signs them. I want you to write yourself a permission slip.

I give myself permission to feel angry at the world.

I give myself permission to be upset, sad, or lonely. I give myself permission to cry.

I give myself permission to feel happy, to enjoy this time with my family and friends.

I give myself permission to watch movies and listen to music other than the hymns.

I give myself permission to sleep as long as I want and to do some emotional eating.

I give myself permission to be a human.

Signed ______________

If you aren't sure what you're feeling, that's okay. Sit in it for a while. Meditate. Pray. Maybe try and figure it out, maybe don't. I think we all over-analyze too much. We like things laid out in black and white, but guys, feelings aren't black and white. It's okay if your head and heart are a little murky inside right now.

Your Mission May Not Look the Way You Expected,

and That's Okay.

When I was a missionary, I used to lay in bed and fantasize. Half of you are going to judge me for this, and the other half are going to feel relieved that they weren't the only ones. I used to think about what it would be like to walk off that plane, to go down the escalator and hug my mom. I'd think about seeing Christian (my husband now) and wonder where that would be and what he would say. Guys, I had my 'going home' outfit picked out like six months into my mission.

You probably didn't get that escalator moment. You probably didn't get to buy the souvenirs you wanted before leaving, or really say goodbye to the people and the place you fell in love with. You probably didn't get to do all the things you wanted. You didn't even get to give a homecoming talk. I am so sorry. I really, really feel for you. That's a loss you might have to process and mourn for a bit. Some of you might not want to return to your mission once all this is over. That's okay. Give yourself permission to be home and carry on with the next part of your life.

Read your mission call again. It says "you are anticipated to serve __ months." Anticipated. It says you will represent the Lord, that you will be a minister. Did you minister? Did you represent Him? Did you devote your time and attention to serving the Lord, were you an advocate and a messenger of the truth? That is what a mission is. Just because your mission doesn't match up with the picture in your head doesn't mean it wasn't a real mission or a successful mission.

To sum it all up, God loves you, and He knows you. I am NOT saying He meant for this to happen. I don't believe that He sat down with you in the preexistence and said, "Get this. I'm going to cause a global pandemic to sweep the earth and send you home early on your mission. It's going to be so great! You are going to learn so much." We live in a fallen world in imperfect bodies surrounded by people who have agency. Bad things happen. However, I do know that He is aware of you and has a plan for you. Remember that.

"I know in whom I have trusted" 2 Nephi 4:19

I hope you feel a little better and a little stronger. I hope you recognize that your mission was enough. Thanks for coming to ERMs anonymous. Come back soon.